Sad & Mad

DepressionI recently lost a friend to suicide. My friend attempted previously , sharing with me the details, including pictures. I offered support, continued unconditionally. We would talk on the phone, text, email, Facebook, Twitter – keeping the communication open so that I knew my friend was OK with frequent check-ins. It was also a way of keeping my friend accountable and in check. A promise was made – that my friend would reach out if they ever felt that alone and desperate again. From what I now understand, others made a similar promise – to check in, stay in touch. We were all reaching out to help this person out of their darkness, their deep down lonely pit but our friend was down is such a dark place that seeing us reaching down, to bring the light back into their world was not to be. And now my friend is gone.

I have cried. I have coulda woulda shoulda – was there something more I could have done? Would have done? Should have done? But ultimately it doesn’t matter. My friend is gone…….. and I am left feeling guilty that I failed as a friend.

And now, I am mad. I am mad that my friend – who stopped.  Stopped fighting, was tired of fighting, could not fight anymore…… I don’t know. I don’t have any answers in this one.

Depression can be a lonely dark scary place. I’m sorry I could not do more. I’m sorry you stopped fighting. I’m sorry you felt there was no other option. I will miss you so very much, more than you will ever know.

” For those whose suffering feels unnoticed. For those people who feel quietly stuck inside their mind. For those that feel hopeless. For those whose cries for help are mislabelled or misunderstood as cries for attention or flaws in their being. For the people who feel too tired to continue on. For people who struggle with depression and for people who don’t. For people who are having a bad day, a bad season, or a rough stretch of life. And for those people who don’t understand the illness but are willing to try. It’s okay – whatever you need, wherever you are, however long it takes – it’s okay. There is still time. To ask for help. To grow. To heal. To recover. There is still time for the sunshine to begin to seep through the cracks. For a flower to grow straight from your heart. ~Jessica Jensen”