Uneasy

Well it’s 2 weeks till my surgery – LAVH – laparoscopic assisted vaginal hysterectomy. I have my pre op Thursday along with pre admit. I guess I am more uneasy about the unknowns – the giving up of control while I am under sedation for the surgery, the not knowing. I think it’s easier being the “nurse” than being the patient. There is a fabulous forum I am following called Hystersisters where you can read about options, procedures, and how other women all over the world have coped and handled their surgery. It’s a great site with wonderful resources!

I am also feeling some sadness as this body part allowed me to give life to 4 wonderful amazing children. I loved everything about being pregnant and its’ a little sad to be saying good bye to such an important “part”. But it’s time is done I guess given the amount of pain & discomfort I experience every few weeks. The body is saying it’s time to go and go it will on Feb 3rd.

I watched the surgery procedure on Youtube. It was fascinating to watch HOW this is all done but on the other hand, perhaps I should have waited till after my surgery to watch it. I know the risks and the complications. I know how SAFE the procedure is. I know how much I hope to feel better once this is all said and done. But I am still worried. Lots of “what ifs”. What if I throw a clot? what if there are complications or infection? what if I never see my family again?

Am I afraid of dying? No, because if that happens, I know my earthly job is complete and I have been “all used”.  I guess afraid that I have left something “un done” or not finished. That those left behind won’t know how very much I love them and how much they mean to me. I know I am probably being silly but I think about it although not verbalize to family.

Then there is my middle daughter who has a lump in her breast. We saw the surgeon today and he wants to proceed and remove this ‘fibro edanoma”. It will be done is day surgery under conscious sedation. It could be done under a local but the decision was made for her to not to be aware of the procedure. The dr is hoping this will take place in the next few weeks.

Life will continue on, my surgery will be fine as will my daughter’s procedure. I will listen to what others tell me and to take my time in recovery. I will read and listen to my music, perhaps pod-casts or audio-books will be something I discover.

Until I write again, I wish you peace & blessings.

” In every single moment, there is significance. Wonder is sprinkled all around us.”
Flavia